2022 JUNE 28
trying to purge social media and any app based socialization because it all stresses me the hell out. i deleted my facebook i had for 12 years. or, set it to "start the deletion process in 30 days" because that's what they do now. just in case i want to go reactivate it. i really do not. i unfollowed most people on twitter, i deleted instagram from my phone and only rarely check it on my laptop, i have bookmarked websites or social media or whatever of a lot of artists i follow.
i don't know where i read it but- most friendships or casual social relationships are just because of proximity- showing up in the same spaces. i freak myself out with deleting social media because "what about these people i would lose contact with" but, like, if i can't somehow find another method of contact... i don't really feel like the relationship was that significant to me anyways. and every time i have deleted or abandoned a social media, because i am adhd and forget things exist if i dont regularly see them- i don't get sad about "losing" those relationships anyways.
the worst stressor for me is that it all facilitates constant checking behaviors- which i already have issues with, and an ongoing hypervigilance of "what if theres Something that Happened", and, unlike with phone/ voice chat/ in person social interactions- there is no given beginning or end. it is a constant, ongoing Task in my head to go do something with it, or see if something needs to be done with it. it isn't something i can start, complete, end, and then stop thinking about. which- is what leads to the addiction and obsessive checking.
sometimes even having this blog section stresses me out, but, more in a- maybe it's a bad idea to post this here ? kind of way, which... doesn't make any fucking sense considering i post the same or "worse" to social media all the time. and in a blog format it is easier for readers to opt into what i am saying, and disengage at any time. i often go back and forth on keeping this here at all. i mostly keep it so i have somewhere to link the bean page. if i ever figure out somewhere else to put that i may end up deleting the blog page.
2022 JUNE 23
i am walking. i am working. i am transgendering
i haven't added anything to this site in a while, i've just been working on my secret(?) website "none is dreaming" which, i am not sure if i will link publicly, ever. if you really wanted to you could probably find it but why look for a website deemed secret by its creator ? i've been posting screenshots to my twitter and i will probably put them up here at some point. some pages i don't think get the ~full experience~ if you can't interact with them- sometimes highlighting or hovering is necessary to see certain things- but i did that to myself by making a secret website. so. whatever
in other news i am trying again to change my legal name. i didn't get rejected the first time i'm just adhd and never followed through. doesn't help that the process to change your legal name (unrelated to marriage/ divorce) in north carolina is fucking insane- i have to get fingerprinted, get a state and federal background check, have 2 non-family residents of my county fill out affidavits of character, post a notice of intent for 10 business days in the courthouse, and then bring 9 total documents 4 of which must be notarized plus a filing fee in form of certified check or money order and a self addressed stamped envelope. and then maybe i have to go do a court hearing. and if i get rejected i can appeal in 30 days and if i get rejected again i can try again in a year, with a different name, and if i get rejected that time i can't try again ever in the state of north carolina. this is definitely very normal. if this fails i'm moving to virginia because i'd only have to live there 6 months and then fill out 1 form and they basically don't reject anything unless you're trying to copy a celebrity's name or something else purposefully weird and confusing. which arguably making my name "none" is, but like. whatever. im nonbinary/ xenogender/ teratogender i do what i want
if ur also in nc trying to change ur name god help u and here's a google doc about it someone on lex sent me. cannot completely verify validity as i have not submitted anything yet but it looks reasonably correct from what else i've researched
2022 MAY 21
downloaded instagram and tiktok again after trying to be on social media less. god help me
i've been opening .raw files in irfanviewer, just trying different settings, to get glitched images. been making a google doc noting results and how i got them. will probly share it here under how its made at some point.
i havent done any fiber art in a while and i'm kinda sad about it but all my knit n crochet shit is in my storage unit and i'm trying to move... soonish...??? whenever i can walk well enough to do that, so, getting stuff out of my storage unit doesn't really make sense right now. hence doing mostly glitch and collage and web design right now. kinda funny to me i'm an artist which people default assume means i draw but i like doing just about everything except that.
2022 MAY 14
broken leg update: now allowed to walk normal however i walk with a limp and can only walk an hour at most before Pain. my boss is gonna be upset i won't be able to go back to work but lol fuck em, fuck work
i've been trying manually glitching images with wordpad and audacity, as opposed to usual online image glitcher. getting interesting results. so far only .raw files don't break immediately. still working on secret website. no idea when it'll be linked publicly, for now it's just gonna be cryptically mentioned in this blog.
also added bean page link to the blog sidebar... a while ago... click thru for cat pics
2022 APR 11
crying about 70s surface design because i found out about vintage wallpapers dot com. 70s florals and geometrics... and just all 70s interior decor... amazing. i want intensely patterned wallpaper and a "conversation pit" to do a bunch of drugs in. also makes me want to practice surface design more. i took a class on it in art school but was super depressed and didnt accomplish much, also my drawing skills are kind of crap and i had very little understanding of adobe photoshop. i'm hoping one day i can make myself learn adobe illustrator :') adobe programs have so many buttons and idk what any of them do...
2022 APR 7
ok i'm allowed to do 50% weight bearing on my broken leg... basically standing normal and walking while leaning on walker a bit when i'm on my right leg. and if that goes alright and i get to a point its not really painful i can switch to 100% weight bearing/ normal walking. progress !!! being stuck in my apartment sucks !!! no idea when i can return to work tho, my physical therapist said i cant lift like, 50 pounds type weight whenever i'm allowed to walk normal again which i need to do for my job. not really sad about that considering work sucks lmao, but my boss will be disappointed
2022 APR 7
and i see my surgeon today, fingers crossed i can start walking ToT
2022 APR 2
i'm getting seasonal allergies and i hate it. i haven't had this since i was like, 13. fortunately an anti-anxiety med i take is also an anti-histamine and i think it's helping. unfortunately i can't leave my window open :') it was the closest thing i got to going outside while my leg is broken.
i deactivated my patreon for the 2nd time cause i made $9 monthly and had 2 subs, so it just seemed like a waste of time. every time i've tried to make money off my art online it's gone abysmally bad lmao, even though i've been told since i was in like high school that i should "sell my art on etsy" or whatever. i think i should just stick to making art for myself, and maaaybe go back to selling at anime n comic cons whenever covid isn't an issue. so like. probably 5 years from now lmao
i see my surgeon next week and really hope i'll be cleared to walk enough that i can go outside without a walker. going on walks is probably my healthiest coping mechanism and not being able to do it has meant even more social media addiction-scrolling and staring at the wall, though i'm trying to replace that with experiencing other people's art and making my own. semi-succesful.
2022 MAR 24
it's 1am and i am very tired but i have updated all my pages to flexboxes instead of tables, except for my pixel art section cause i can't figure out how to align it like it currently is with flexboxes. anyways. everything is significantly easier to update now. feel free to look at my code if you want.
i also now feel like i have actually learned some code instead of just copy-pasting shit from google searches and fucking around until it looks like i want it to. progress ! also added some stuff to drawing, collage, and my around the web artists section.
in personal news i have learned the magic of microwaving box cake and brownie mix. i mix it up as directed, fill a small bowl about 1/3 full and microwave a minute n a half or 2. it turns out pretty good. i refrigerate the leftover, and i can have hot brownie + ice cream whenever i want without having to cook a whole pan. i've also done gingerbread cake, i need to buy powdered sugar to put on top. stuff like this is useful when cooking for one and i don't eat a whole lot... i always feel bad having to dump half a pan of cake because it went moldy before i ate it all.
broken leg healing is also going well. in just a week of home physical therapy exercises i doubled my ankle dorsiflexion. can't wait to walk again cause hopping around on 1 leg or with a walker is a pain in the ass :')
2022 MAR 21
/lying face down on the floor/ i finally read an entire w3schools page- on flexbox- and have got a way to make my portfolio pages much easier to update n with simpler code. so far i've just been copy-pasting code bits to put something together, its a mess
right now only my amigurumi page is updated to it, writing and rewriting code is tedious. though i am a fiber artist so i like tedious.
i've also been re-organizing files, actually using folders, and formatting a lot of images to smaller sizes and gif's so hopefully pages won't need to be refreshed to show every image now.
in other exciting news i submitted a johnvertisement, and i have it added to my around the web page. refresh for a new one and maybe you'll see mine.
2022 MAR 18
new laptop arrived >:3 surface pro 6 with 16gb ram to replace my surface pro 4 with only 4gb ram. i finished some buttons n other stuff, will post to patreon/ here soon.
and shoutout to y2kid's page on downloading, rly helped out as a young millenial who didnt have much internet access in the age of limewire and other pre-streaming services and never figured out how to safely download stuff lmao
also !!! i got my own url now !! none.monster-- noneunbecoming.neocities.org still works as far as i can tell but none.monster is hopefully what i will be using long term, and can continue to use beyond neocities.
2022 MAR 17
bought a new laptop on ebay because my current one has 4gb ram and can't run photoshop any more :l impatiently waiting for it to arrive at my po box so i can finish some stuff.
2022 MAR 9
started physical therapy for my leg today. the guy said i broke my leg "pretty impressively". go big or go home.
getting around by myself isn't too hard now, and a lady at the physical therapy place said her husband was very impressed by my speed on a walker.
i went to the grocery store today and got sir, ma'am? sir? by an employee. i've only been on hrt since june 2021 but i've been getting mostly sir'd in public for a while, which, is mostly funny to me, cause i figured i'd never pass as a man being 5'3" and pretty pear shaped. i don't really care what strangers call me so it's never been a transition goal to pass as anything in particular, but it's interesting to see how my publicly perceived sex/ gender changes.
i actually did draw something the other day- myself from a figure reference photo. i'm not sure if i'll post it because it's just sketchy/ unfinished, but probably will on patreon. considering making a miscellaneous/ scraps tab in my portfolio tab but i don't know if making too many things under that section would be bad ? idk. anyways. figure drawing from life is the only kind of drawing i really like doing and that i think ever turns out decently but i never know how to make it look finished. in general i'm not really good at drawing, but that's cause i don't do it, which is cause i don't like doing it.
since i can get around better now and don't have to keep my foot elevated any more i might be able to work on some art shit ?? idk yet. don't expect anything from me.
2022 FEB 28
hello everyone, i'm trying out a blog on my website. not sure if it'll stay up.
personal event of note- i broke my leg in an electric scooter accident on the 16th. got to the er asap and got surgery the next day, i'm out of work for an unknown amount of time but i'm applying for short term disability pay through some benefit i get from my job.
kinda sucks to be stuck on bedrest and mostly stuck in my apartment- i live up 2 flights of stairs and need someone to take my walker up and down them for me- but it's also kinda nice to have a lengthy break from my job where things lined up that i won't have to worry about income too much. and whenever i can go back to work i'll be on light duty til i'm cleared to walk all day and lift heavy shit so i can ease back into it.
with regards to art stuff- i dunno. not much exciting lately. before i broke my leg i was close to moving in to a bigger room where i could probably keep the full range of art supply crap i own, but now with this broken leg i have no idea when that could happen. being on bedrest, and all my knit/ crochet supplies still in my storage unit, i can basically only do computer-based stuff. i mean, i could draw, but what kinda freak draws ?
i've been wanting to make cut-paste zines again but moving my huge old printer around seems impossible with the mobility aid i have, and it's a bit difficult to do anything messy or with small, lose-able pieces when i have to stay laying with my foot elevated. i might try digital collage, if i can figure out how to medicate my adhd without side effects. i'm stuck in the adhd mode of "can't pay attention to shit, even shit i actually like, without external structure or time constraints".
anyways. i'm bad at ending things. thanks for reading ?